Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I deserve this hangover.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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