nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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