I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
