He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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