i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
