Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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