I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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