Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
