I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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