I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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