GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
