John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
