After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
