I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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