If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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