I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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