OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
