my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
