They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have fence marks all over my body
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
