Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
