The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
