Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
