Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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