One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
