Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
