i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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