Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
