I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Randomize
