Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Randomize
