Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
