In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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