Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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