Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
