This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
