Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
