We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
