She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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