my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
