I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
