our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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