I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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