So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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