my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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