Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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