No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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