Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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