Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
