That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
