I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
