you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
